I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
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