just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
We left an ass print on the piano.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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