Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
