Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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