btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
