oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
