i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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