I just threw up on my dentist
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
