I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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