May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
