I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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