The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
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