I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
