I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
i would one night stand the shit outta him
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
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