yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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