i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
