i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
