My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
