I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I think I just sharted jello shots
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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