When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Randomize
