She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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