He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
