More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
