Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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