Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Randomize
