I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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