Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
