My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
