Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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