I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
