I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
