They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
