Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
