everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
