You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
