I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
