Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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