Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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