The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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