Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
