saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
