new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
So here I am, sexting at work.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
