we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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