Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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