so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Randomize
