I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
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