It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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