and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
