i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
