Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
