I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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