Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
my liver is dry heaving
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
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