trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
