Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
