Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I just googled if crying burns calories
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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