Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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