Cold hands, warm shart.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
